Forget Me Not

“Shoot me.”

Her words are piercing. They cut through my heart like a razorblade and I can feel the anguish spilling out of me, overflowing. My fortitude is dwindling, whatever strength left going towards holding the gun at her naked body.

“Shoot me. If you aren’t going to let me go, do it now, and do it quickly.”

Tears flow from my eyes, streaming down my face, following the curve of my cheeks, getting caught at the corners of my mouth, or making their way down my chin and my neck.

“I don’t want to.” I manage to choke out through clenched teeth. “Please… Please don’t make me...”

“This is your choice. You are here because of decisions and conclusions you made. Us being here is no one’s fault but your own.” Sobs escape my lips as I listen to her. She pauses then continues, “I can’t make you do anything. You have to make a choice now, and bear the consequences.”

“I didn’t want this… I don’t want this… how can you blame me, Alex-“

“Because you’re here, and because I’m here. Neither of us would be otherwise.”

“But you-“

“I what?” She sternly interrupts, her brow furrowing, her tone rising. “I made my own decision, and whether or not it was right or wrong, life goes on. You can't let go because you inserted yourself into each little situation, and somehow convinced yourself that you could have changed it. Now you are stuck.”

“Life doesn’t go on Alex!” I scream at her, my hands trembling as they hold up the deadly weapon. “You have no idea what I’ve been going through! What I’ve been dealing with! How could you? None of this would be happening if you hadn’t….” I choke, staring through my tears at the blurry figure of my friend. “You weren’t fucking there! You just left me!”

My voice echoes in the pitch black that surrounds us. Silence follows, and it presses against me, as though there is a metal vise around my head that someone is cranking tighter and tighter.

“Just… please…” I let out a desperate breath, closing my eyes as tight as I can against the pain in my head and in my heart. “I’m not ready for this. I thought I was.”

“Mandy… Shoot me. Your pain will go away, and so will mine.”

“No!” I scream.

“Do it-“

“NO! I don’t want to-“

“That doesn’t matter anymore, Mandy! This has got to end. You know it, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

“I can’t-“

“YOU CAN!”

“I CAN’T FORGET YOU!!”

I throw the gun aside and collapse to my knees. “I can’t forget you, Alex. You mean too much to me.”

My whole body feels weak and fragile, like a single gust of wind, a single touch, will cause me to shatter into a million pieces.

“Then don't. Let me go.” She says gently. “You have to let go.”

“…That’s just as hard.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Just stop blaming yourself for something I did.”

I hang my head and let the tears fall before me. Moving images flash through my mind. I see Alex laughing, I see her smiling in groups of friends, I see her rushing in late for class, but all these images are suddenly clearer than they were before. Things I never noticed, or noticed and chose to ignore, suddenly screaming highlights in my memory. Her laugh is hollow, her smile is empty, her knee socks stained with blood as she rushes to her seat. Why hadn’t I said anything when I saw her scars, or saw the new wounds appear? Why hadn't I-

"...stop blaming yourself..."

...
“I’m so sorry Alex…” I say as the timeline continues to reel through my mind.

“Mandy…”

“Wait. I know what you are going to say, but I am not finished.” The last of the images flashes, bursting into Alex’s apartment, calling out her name, walking into her bathroom and seeing her lifeless body inside the tub filled with crimson water.

“I am sorry you were suffering, and that we never talked about it. I'm sorry you couldn’t see how much you meant to me. If you could, I’m sorry you could not find that enough of a reason to stay.” The last of my tears fall from my eyes, and I look up at her.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why you did what you did. But… I’m tired, and I can’t hate you for it anymore. I can’t hate myself for it either. Alex… I want you to know… I forgive you.”

She stares back at me silently. Her presence, once overbearing and consuming, now seems small, and soft. Her eyes are sad, but her lips curl into a wistful smile.

There is a silence between us once more, but now it is peaceful, calm, serene…the tension having melted away into the floor along with my teardrops.  

After a few moments, Alex turns and begins to walk away.

She stops after a few steps, and calls back over her shoulder, “Remember the good times, yeah?”

I nod slightly, without saying a word.
Hearing my silent response, she continues away. The darkness engulfs her, taking her away to someplace unknown.